A day with the kids at the park
It's about ensuring that these choices are genuinely theirs, made without coercion or undue influence.
few weeks ago, I took my kids to Booran Reserve, a park near my home in Melbourne with fantastic play equipment. While supervising my kids near the sandpit, an ultra-Orthodox Jewish lady struck up a conversation with me. As we watched our kids, she asked me where I buy my kids’ kippot (super funky tractor ones from ikippah.com).
As a young mum, these park conversations are familiar and often follow a predictable pattern: How many kids do you have? How old are they? Sometimes, the conversation deepens depending on the circumstances.
In this case, the ultra-Orthodox lady I was chatting with had more than double my four children and was enjoying a brief respite from Melbourne’s winter as we enjoyed a few hours of sunshine.
We never exchanged names, but the conversation was warm and pleasant. I was enjoying our chat when she mentioned that she would be taking her kids home on the tram. “Oh, you’re brave,” I said, thinking about the mental energy required to manage a pram and navigate the tram with so many children in tow.
“I don’t drive,” she replied. Surprised, I asked, “With all your kids, isn’t that hard for you?”
“Oh no,” she said. “I got my Ls, and when I got engaged to my husband, I didn’t yet have my licence, and he didn’t approve, so I never got one.” She smiled brightly as she said this, and none of this appeared to trouble her.
I tried not to judge, but it pained me to hear she lacked a full sense of independence. She seemed happy and our conversation was enjoyable. But she was out with more children than most people will ever have, by herself, unable to drive because her husband didn’t want her to.
The woman I chatted with seemed content with her decision. True feminism allows women to make their own choices. If she’s happy not driving, that’s her lifestyle. I believe in giving women the right to choose.
However, after our conversation ended and we parted ways, I couldn’t shake a sense of discomfort. “My husband didn’t approve, so I didn’t get my licence.” This statement echoed in my mind.
Ultra-Orthodox Jewish communities are often viewed through a lens of stereotypes and misunderstandings. Yet, having grown up in a religious family, I appreciate many aspects of these communities: their close-knit nature, the care they provide to one another, and their screen-free upbringing that allows children to enjoy a genuine, outdoor-focused childhood. It’s a way of life I sometimes wish I could replicate for my own children.
That said, these communities are not without their challenges. What bothered me most about my interaction with the woman at Booran Reserve was that on that sunny Sunday, her husband was nowhere to be seen. I have four children and know how challenging it is to manoeuvre them in public spaces, let alone on a tram.
In ultra-Orthodox communities, traditional gender roles are often emphasised, with men and women having distinct responsibilities. Many women find fulfilment and happiness within these roles, and I respect their choices. However, the line between choice and coercion can sometimes blur, especially when societal or familial pressures come into play.
Reflecting on my encounter, I thought about the concept of feminist freedom. Feminism, at its core, is about giving women the power to make choices about their own lives. It’s about ensuring that these choices are genuinely theirs, made without coercion or undue influence. For some women in ultra-Orthodox communities, not driving might be a personal choice aligned with their values and lifestyle. For others, it might be a decision shaped by external pressures.
As I left Booran Reserve that day, I felt that I had a new insight into feminism. While I would never advocate for women not to drive, I would sure as hell advocate for women to have the choice to live their lives as they want, as long as its their choice and without coercion.
Nomi Kaltmann is president of the Jewish Orthodox Feminist Alliance (JOFA) Australia.
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