The Jewish world is in mourning. We have been in mourning for the past 17 months. One could even say we’ve been mourning for the past 5000 years. But something about the past 17 months has felt different.
While the world swore “never again”, once again Jews are persecuted simply because for being Jews.
For the first time though, our grief is public for the entire world to see, largely due to social media.
While this can be difficult, in a way, it is comforting.
We are all grieving together for and with the Bibas family, the Goldberg-Polins, the family of each hostage and soldier lost.
As Klal Yisrael, we are in mourning and we are finding ways to soothe our souls as a community, even here in Australia.
Whether it’s playing a piano in the hopes that hostage Alon Ohel will hear our music, to wearing masking tape with the number of days the hostages have been held, lighting extra Shabbat candles in memory of those we have lost, or as the Sydney community did recently, hanging orange and blue balloons to honour Shiri, Ariel and Kfir Bibas as well as all the hostages lost since October 7.
Rabbi Benjamin Elton of Sydney’s Great Synagogue told The AJN that these feelings are valid. “When a great rabbi dies or a great leader dies, like when Rabin was assassinated, the whole Jewish world mourned … people can have a very significant place in one’s life, even if they’re not a blood relative,” he explained, saying it is a similar circumstance when we’re dealing with October 7.
“I feel it’s been a very sincere, organic and natural type of mourning when you see absolute strangers naming their children Hersh, Ariel, Kfir or Shiri. These are enormously authentic and powerful gestures.”
They say that grief is love with no place to go.
If this is the case, the outpouring of grief for our brothers and sisters in Israel is a testament to the love of the Jewish people. We truly are one nation, one heart. And when it comes to death, we care for those who are mourning with warmth, care and love.
In fact, Judaism provides beautiful rituals and traditions for those who are mourning or grieving, providing a framework for acknowledging and sitting with the grief and then finding their way to life again.
Judaism prioritises the mental and emotional wellbeing of those who have been impacted by death. This is partly why the burial happens so quickly.
“The human body has been a vehicle for the soul for the whole of the person’s life, so therefore it’s holy,” Rabbi Elton pointed out. “We believe it’s disrespectful to the body for it to be above ground for any longer than is necessary. So it really is a sign of our respect; we want it laid to rest in a respectful way as quickly as possible,” he continued, explaining that the swiftness of the burial also allows mourners to move through the stages of grief. “We say not to comfort a person while their dead is still before them. It’s recognised that it’s impossible to move through the stages of grief before the burial has taken place.”
Rabbi Daniel Rabin from Melbourne’s Caulfield Shule explained that grief is often most intensely felt within the first moments.
“Judaism provides a framework that allows mourners to fully immerse themselves in their sorrow without the burden of daily responsibilities. There is no expectation to ‘hold it together’ or resume normal life too quickly – mourning takes precedence,” Rabbi Rabin told The AJN. “There’s also a psychological wisdom in starting shiva right away. It prevents mourners from suppressing their grief or delaying the inevitable emotional processing. Instead, they are given permission to feel, to cry, and to express their loss in a structured, meaningful way.”
Judaism defines several stages of mourning, each designed to slowly draw the mourners out of their mourning period.
Before burial, there’s aninut, during which the mourner has no obligations except to ensure the practical arrangements of the funeral are attended to. Following the funeral, which must take place as quickly as possible, the mourners enter the shiva period, literally meaning “seven”. During the shiva week, people visit the shiva home and the community takes care of the mourner’s physical needs – ensuring they have food to eat, that their home is tidy and that they are as comfortable as possible.
Notably, apart from food, it’s customary to not bring anything to a house of mourning. Just being present is the objective. “Showing up matters,” Rabbi Rabin explained. “Letting someone know they are not alone is incredibly powerful.”
Following the seven days, the mourners are officially and quite literally taken out of mourning. Those with the mourners say the traditional blessing, “May G-d comfort you among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem,” and then say to the mourners “arise”.
From their shiva, mourners move into the shloshim – the 30 days – and then the full year for the loss of a parent, ensuring a gradual re-entry back to everyday life.
Both Rabbi Elton and Rabbi Rabin explained that the traditions and rituals around death also remind mourners that they are part of a larger community.
“One of the most powerful things we can do is remind each other that Am Yisrael chai. We are a people that has endured loss beyond what any nation should bear, and yet we continue to stand together, support one another and rebuild,” Rabbi Rabin said.
“We remind ourselves at the moment of our grief that we are also part of a wider people, and there are concerns beyond our own immediate concerns … we never become so inward-looking that we become narcissistic,” Rabbi Elton explained.
Perhaps this is why the global Jewish community has been so affected by the October 7 massacre and what has happened since.
“We’ve all been weakened by these events. We have to provide the emotional support to each other. If each person can support the other people we come across, then I think we can strengthen each other,” Rabbi Elton said. “At the end of reading each book of the Torah, we say chazak, chazak v’nit-chazek. Be strong, be strong and may we be strengthened. I think that’s the message of the times.”
Rabbi Rabin agreed, saying that we must be present for each other. “The global Jewish community is one family, and just like in any family, when one member is in pain, we all feel it. Strengthening those bonds, reaching out, and holding onto each other – those are the things that will help us get through this together.”
Photo: by Avshalom Sassoni/Flash90
While the mourning period ends, grief is neverending. And again, this concept is supported in Judaism, whether that’s acknowledging a yahrzeit every year, or for Ashkenazi Jews, saying Yizkor. As explained by Rabbi Elton, both of these are extremely important.
“No matter how long ago somebody has lost a loved one, every year on the anniversary of their death, they remember them; they say Kaddish and they light a candle,” he explained. “And then we take time out during a yontif period to remember those we’ve lost and say prayers for them. So, the Jewish tradition gives us opportunities throughout the year to remember each person we’ve lost, and that enables us to carry on for the rest of the year.”
Rabbi Rabin explained the loss as a “permanent imprint” that Judaism honours.
“While the formal mourning practices end, the memories, the longing, and the emotional connection never truly disappear,” he said. “Judaism doesn’t expect us to ‘move on’ as if loss disappears – it teaches us how to move forward while carrying our loved ones with us.”
One way both Rabin Elton and Rabbi Rabin suggest community members can honour those who have passed away is through charitable acts, learning Torah in their name, or lighting candles, the latter being something the entire Jewish world has embraced following the October 7 massacre.
Each Friday night, we are encouraged to light extra Shabbat candles for the hostages and with each fallen soldier or hostage, we are asked to light a yahrzeit candle.
“There’s something deeply symbolic about lighting a candle in memory of those we’ve lost,” Rabbi Rabin said. “Light represents the soul, and in times of darkness, our instinct as Jews has always been to add more light.
“Since October 7, the simple act of lighting extra Shabbat candles or yahrzeit candles has connected Jews across the world. It’s a moment to pause, reflect, and honour those who are no longer with us. It also serves as a powerful reminder that while our enemies seek to extinguish us, our response is to burn brighter, to reaffirm life, and to hold onto our faith.”
Perhaps most beautiful of all the traditions, laws and customs around mourning and grieving in Judaism is that we are encouraged to live again.
“Since October 7, we’ve seen an overwhelming amount of grief, but we’ve also seen the immense power of Jewish resilience. Even as we mourn, we find ways to support one another, to hold onto faith, and to ensure that the memory of those we’ve lost continues to inspire the way we live. That is the essence of Jewish mourning – not just remembering the past, but carrying it forward into the future,” Rabbi Rabin explained. “We never forget where we come from, we never erase our history, but we also never stop building, living and finding meaning in the future.”
Rabbi Elton emphasised the sanctity of life above all else, even after a loved one’s death.
“Life has to carry on. And the tradition is pretty good at saying give absolute place to mourning and grief, but also, you’re called to live. You have to consciously decide to carry on living. We’re a religion of life, not death.”
Helping children through grief
Rabbi Ralph Genende, senior Rabbi to Jewish Care, Kesher and AIJAC community liaison, explained that losses in childhood can cut very deep and may even impact on a lifetime. This is why it’s important to know how to help children through the mourning and grieving process. A qualified counsellor, Rabbi Genende shared some tips with The AJN.
1. Understand that children express grief differently.
This may confound or confuse adults. Young kids can move very quickly from sadness to apparently unaffected playfulness.
2. Children will take their cues from the adults around them.
If adults minimise their grief, children may play down their own pain to protect the adults.
3. Responses to grief depend on the age of the child.
Young children are very concrete and not capable of abstract thinking.
They will often have an intense curiosity about the physical details of death like what is happening to the body of the deceased. Telling them that the person is in heaven can be confusing as they take this literally.
Honesty and supportiveness are critical, but information and responses should be age-appropriate according to the level of development of the child.
A five-year-old for example is very matter-of-fact while a 13-year-old may be more abstract.
4. Answer just what the child is asking.
Don’t give too much or too little information, neither ignoring nor overreacting to their questions.
5. Be alert to changes in behaviour after a death.
These may include emotional outbursts, eating or sleep issues, intense anxiety or rage, exaggerated clinginess, proneness to accidents, school avoidance or issues not previously seen at home or school. If any of these behaviours are persistent it’s best to seek professional help.
6. Be ready for questions.
These may include: Did I cause this to happen? Will I or my other parent/grandparent die soon? Who will look after me now? Is God punishing me?
If you are not confident or comfortable answering the questions speak to an expert.
7. Allowing children to talk about their pain, confusion and sadness is vital.
Creating photography or memory books or boxes with special memory objects of the deceased can help as can having special safe/sad spots and times to talk.
8. For all ages, allow them to express their fears and anxieties.
Assure them that you can provide a safe and as predictable as possible space for them. The Psalmist’s words about God are worth emulating: I am with you in your sorrow.
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