Being brave with our emotional wellbeing
The community is getting better at recognising the need to be open and honest about our mental and emotional health. But there is still such a long way to go.
When my mum, Rochelle Goulburn, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in March 2013, it didn’t take me long to start talking about the disease and sharing her story.
As a writer, I would share blogs online and craft lengthy messages to family and friends. I even shared a piece with Mamamia (although it was never published) reacting to a UK-based ‘I Wish I Had Breast Cancer’ campaign by a pancreatic cancer charity (featuring real patients).
Spilling my feelings into words was all I knew. It’s how I’ve always handled things.
But it was my mother’s story. It was her journey. I was just along for the ride.
When she died in 2014, my family and I founded #PurpleOurWorld and for 10 years we spoke about mum.
But last year, on November 9, 2024, I decided it was finally time to tell my story. I did a Brave Talk.
For me, it was time to break the stigma of ongoing grief and normalise it.
There is an unspoken understanding that after a few years, you should ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one. But that’s not how things work. And I needed to make sure this message was heard.
I shared that yes, we move on. We build lives, we build families. But our lost loved ones are always there. Mum impacts every decision I make. It’s her voice I hear when I’m up at night with my children. It’s her hug I feel. It’s her guidance I follow.
Because that’s what grief is – it’s allowing your loved one to be present. As I said in my Brave Talk, grief is love with no place to go.
Judaism deals with the mourning period beautifully, providing a framework to ensure mourners transition through the stages of grief with the best possible support.
We all need to be brave. And we all need to share in whatever way we can. We all need a little Brave Talk.
I don’t remember much around the time of mum’s death, but I do remember the shiva period and the communal hug we received.
As Rabbi Daniel Rabin told The AJN (A World of Grief, 17/03/25) the shiva period allows for mourners to immerse themselves in their grief, rather than shy away from it, saying that “it prevents mourners from suppressing their grief or delaying the inevitable emotional processing”. Rather, mourners are “given permission to feel, to cry and to express their loss in a structured, meaningful way”.
I remember the visits, the coffees and teas made, the influx of people who would stand by our sides as we said Kaddish.
And the food. The food that lovingly filled our freezers so we didn’t have to think about cooking.
But what happens after the shiva, the shloshim and the year?
The grief doesn’t just disappear. And it’s this concept that I chose to focus on for my Brave Talk.
As both Rabbi Benjamin Elton and Rabbi Rabin pointed out in The AJN (A World of Grief, 17/03/25) Judaism honours the permanent imprint that death leaves, with yahrzeits every year to provide an opportunity to remember our loved ones. Both rabbis explained that Judaism never expects us to simply move on, but rather it teaches us how to move forward, holding our grief and our memories.
When I was writing my Brave Talk, I was forced to take myself back 10 years.
I remembered things and spoke of things I never had before, even to my immediate family. Like what I recalled about the funeral – the thump of the dirt on the coffin. How I often felt jealous of my sister and my nephew having the time with my mum that I would never share with my own children. I was forced to revisit the lead-up to my wedding and how we made almost every decision with mum’s comfort and health in mind.
Going through the Brave Talks process was the most cathartic experience relating to my mother’s death, besides from founding #PurpleOurWorld and our ongoing work in the pancreatic cancer space.
It allowed me to bring my story out from the shadow of mum’s and finally share it, with JewishCare NSW and JCA The Choice Foundation staff and volunteers, psychologists, previous Brave Talks participants and my fellow Brave Talkers all there for support.
Our community is getting better at recognising the need to be open and honest about our mental and emotional health. But there is still such a long way to go. Brave Talks is a safe space for those who speak and for those who hear it.
After my talk I had numerous people thank me for so openly talking about grief and how normal it is to carry it. Because I acknowledged that grief is something we all experience – whether it’s a person, a relationship, a job, everyone is grieving something.
If my Brave Talk helps just one other person feel OK about their grief, I’ve succeeded. I just hope that by sharing my story, others are compelled to share theirs too.
Because sharing our stories, being honest with ourselves about our mental and emotional wellbeing, and supporting others is the way our society grows and moves forward.
We all need to be brave. And we all need to share in whatever way we can. We all need a little Brave Talk.
If you wish to take part in an upcoming Brave Talk, contact Brave Talks Consultant Sarah Kezelman by emailing s.kezelman@jewishcare.com.au.
comments