Dealing with children on the ‘woke left’
Finding an approach to children who they describe as being on the "woke left".
People who know me as an adult may be surprised to learn that in my teenage years I went through a pink haired, non-Zionist, facial piercing phase.
The reason this may be surprising is because today, I am a proud Zionist who looks to be involved in the mainstream Jewish community at every opportunity. I often draw on this experience when people ask me how to approach their children who they describe as being on the “woke left”.
This experience gives me a unique perspective about how to best “deal with” children that have opposing political opinions to you. In particular, because both of my parents “dealt with” me in very different ways.
On the one hand, one parent made it clear how disappointed they were in me. They often reminded me that three of my grandparents were Holocaust survivors, and expressed with profound sincerity how disappointed they would be, had they lived to see me at that time. Predictably, this damaged our relationship and did nothing to bring me closer to Zionism.
My other parent, however, approached me with respect, treating me as a rational being with logic behind my opinions. Being treated with warmth and empathy allowed me to in turn treat them and their views with warmth and empathy. When I expressed my anti-Israel views, this parent did not dismiss them, but rather contextualised them in other narratives. When I was ready, they gave me a copy of The Case for Israel by Alan Dershowitz, and made space for all of my questions.
It was these conversations which slowly allowed me to think critically about my own views and set me up for life within this community.
If you can find it within yourself to have a conversation with your child, I encourage you to do so with the greatest of care. This doesn’t mean that you can’t disagree, even virulently, with them. However, these conversations should be entered into with the aim of understanding their perspective, so that you can learn more about where they are coming from before you deliver your response. Asking probing questions and approaching them with genuine curiosity will invite them to treat your perspective the same way. Admitting that they have taught you something new will invite them to feel safe enough to admit the same.
If you try to have a conversation with the sole purpose of changing their mind, they will try to change yours, and I promise, they believe in their beliefs as much as you believe in yours. The conversation will go nowhere without first taking time to learn where your child is coming from. It creates an environment where everyone feels personally attacked and disrespected, and comments may be made that we later regret.
These kumbaya exchanges of ideas and opinions mirror those I had with my second-mentioned parent 10 years ago, but they may not be possible after October 7, especially while there are still hostages in Gaza and innocent Palestinians who are displaced.
This is why my overwhelming advice with non-Zionist children is to avoid talking about Israel altogether. If they bring it up, I urge you to end the conversation before it can begin by explaining that you’re not in the headspace to engage in constructive dialogue. I know how unrealistic this advice must sound when Israel is at the centre of everything in our lives, but it will go lengths in preserving your relationship.
Children who have been yelled at, name called or cut off from their parents lean on like-minded friends for support. They are comforted with affirming messages to the effect of “at least you’re on the right side of history”. Many of these friends are non-Jewish, and the impression that they are given of the Jewish community affirms their mistaken belief that our community is monolithic and intolerant.
It puts your child in the position where their primary support system is anti-Israel, decreasing the possibility that they eventually come around to agree with you. After the war in Gaza ends, you may someday feel ready to confront their non-Zionist views with more patience, but they will be so deeply entrenched in their anti-Israel community that they may be unreachable. Even if their opinions do change, the things which are said (or not said) in this time may be too hurtful to forget.
Remember, the further away we push them, the further away they will go. We risk not only losing them forever, but also their children and grandchildren.
And of course, if these non-Zionist Jews are one day let down by the non-Jews in their lives, in the same way that so many of us were after October 7, they will need a Jewish community to come home to, that will welcome them with open arms and an open heart.
Paris Enten is a former vice-president of the Australasian Union of Jewish Students (AUJS).
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