Reflecting on parenting after October 7
Parents have each grappled with how to discuss the horror of October 7 and its aftermath with their children. Sharyn Kolieb reflects on how it has influenced her parenting.
My little boy soon turns three and has asked for a Batman costume for his birthday, but I won’t be able to do that. For me ‘Batman’ is now forever associated with little Ariel Bibas who loved Batman, because he wanted to save people from dark tunnels, and now it is he who needs to be rescued from dark tunnels, along with his mother Shiri, father Yarden and baby brother Kfir.
It is connected with the look of sheer terror of Shiri Bibas as she held tight to her two red-haired sons, as they were cruelly kidnapped by Hamas to Gaza on October 7 – the day Hamas committed its brutal rampage of murder, rape and hostage taking. I don’t know if the Bibas family are alive, but the horror of the alternative keeps me praying each night that they are and for them to be saved.
That soul-crushing image has reminded me of the worst of the Holocaust, the nights when I can’t sleep and imagine the mothers holding onto to their children as they were shot or gassed. It recalls my own grandparents – who went through concentration camps and survived the Holocaust, but their parents and siblings were murdered. I often wonder if in their last moments they were clutching their children.
My daughter is eight and until October 7 I had tried to shield her from the worst of this world. I wanted her to live in a world where there were no evil people and children were safe. I curated what movies and books she could read and watch, seeking happy endings only. After October 7, seeing the posters of the faces of the many Israelis kidnapped and killed in our neighbourhood, I can no longer shield her. Some of her friends were too scared to sleep in their beds.
She remembers when anti-Israel protestors came to Caulfield, and we could hear them from our home on a Shabbat evening, and we all slept in the same the room, golf clubs under the bed. At the same time, this turmoil has made her interested in understanding what it means to be Jewish and she asks many questions looking for answers.
I have told her that Jewish people have been persecuted for thousands of years, but that we are a proud people, that carry the chain of our faith and traditions from one generation to the next.
I have told her about the Holocaust, how Jewish people were killed including members of our family. I have shown her their faces and told her it is important to never forget.
I have told her that Israel is the ancestral home of the Jewish people, and many Jews have returned to the land to be free, and we pray for peace between Israel and its neighbours.
But still I keep quiet about why there are extra armed security guards at her Jewish school and try not to look too distraught when she tells me about their drill at school where they practise hiding from the baddies. I don’t mention that a Jewish school had “Die Jew” graffitied on it, or that at the Sydney Opera House on October 9 protesters screamed “F*** the Jews”, and “Where’s the Jews?” How much to reveal is a question each family grapples with depending on their children’s ages.
“Why do some people hate Jewish people?” she asks. I don’t really have good answers, because the reasons for such hatred are irrational and change over the years. Yes, Jews have been pioneers in the arts and sciences and contributed much to the world, including a moral code through our Torah, but we shouldn’t have to prove our worth, our humanity.
At night as I tuck my children into bed, I find that I have changed the lullaby, now I sing the words of Rabbi Nachman:
“Kol ha’olam kulo Gesher tzar me’od Veha’ikar lo lifached k’lal. The whole world is a very narrow bridge and the main thing to recall is to have no fear at all.”
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