Family relationships, grudges and forgiveness

Families are complicated. When people rank the top experiences in their lives, the majority of them centre around celebrations with family, from marking the passage of time (bar and bat mitzvahs) to the birth of a baby. These critical experiences are often enhanced by the presence of family members.

However, you only have to sit at any Shabbat table laden with food each week to know that sometimes the dynamics between family members can be complex and there are often disagreements or rivalries.

This week’s parasha, Vayigash, tells the story of the reunification of Joseph with his brothers after many years apart. Even though the brothers sold Joseph into slavery, which resulted in many difficult years in his life, including imprisonment and isolation, when Joseph reveals himself to them he does not hold a grudge against them nor treat them badly.

I can assure you, both as a rabbi that counsels people in complicated family matters and a social worker, that this outcome is the exception rather than the rule!

Humans often find it hard to forgive those that have wronged us. Sometimes, with the passage of time people may forget the original indiscretion that led to the family breakdown in the first place, but yet, they hold a grudge and are still unwilling to forgive the person. Forgiving those that have wronged us can be hard.

The book of Bereshit overwhelmingly tells the stories of complicated interpersonal relationships between Avraham, Isaac and Jacob and their families. Each of these families, like families today, were not perfect, with rivalries, difficulties and on occasion jealousy.

And yet, in this week’s Torah portion when Joseph meets his brothers he does not hold a grudge and forgives them straight away. How can we emulate this example, while appreciating the great personal sacrifices that one must undergo to take such a principled and moral stance?

It is important to examine the position in which Joseph meets his brothers after all these years.

He is a viceroy of Egypt, second in command of one of the most powerful countries in the world at the time.

In addition, the world was undergoing a famine of severe proportions, so much so, that Joseph’s brothers journey from Canaan to seek out food for their starving households.

When Joseph meets his brothers after all these years, the power dynamic has shifted. He understands that, despite the hurt and sadness that their relationships have endured, his ascent to one of the highest thrones in Egypt was Divinely ordained. He says so himself when he reveals himself to his brothers, who do not recognise him.

“And God sent me before you to make for you a remnant in the land, and to preserve [it] for you for a great deliverance,” (Bereshit 45:7) says Joseph to his brothers. It was all from God.

This expression from Joseph displays his deep faith in God and the understanding of “hashgachah pratit”, the Jewish belief that nothing is random, and nothing is by chance. When something happens in our lives, it is because God has arranged it to happen like that.

So, when Joseph chooses to forgive his brothers, he does so from a place of understanding that God had orchestrated his ascent in Egypt in order to ultimately provide for the Jewish people living in Canaan.

Sometimes things in our lives do not go according to our plan. The Yiddish expression notes, “Man plans and God laughs,” and it encapsulates this feeling. We can plan as much as we like, but ultimately, everything is Divinely ordained.

When Joseph chooses forgiveness over holding a grudge, we see a model we can emulate on how to live our lives. One in which we can lead much happier lives as we are not saddled with the weight of animosity or resentment.

It’s not always easy to get on with those closest to us, especially when we have been hurt, but by digging deep within ourselves we can find the compassion to see the good in others and work towards repairing a broken world. We have the power to choose.

Gabi Kaltmann is rabbi of Ark Centre, Melbourne.